Re: [No Subject]

“…I’ve never been more ashamed of what I’ve done to anyone that what I’ve done to you.”

Are you really?

Do you realize exactly what you’ve done to me? What you’ve done to my friends, to my family, who have all had to sit here and watch me suffer and struggle, and try desperately to get back on my feet? Who’ve watched me try to learn how to be human again, how to talk, how to be social, how to think all over again? Do you know how ironic I find it that the only time I was allowed to beautify myself was when I had to hide bruises, when I was at my ugliest? Do you realize how much of me I’ve lost, how much of me is gone and gone forever, because I gave everything I had to you? Do you realize how much pain I still deal with? How much I think every, single, day about what went wrong, if I could have changed it, if I deserved what you did to me, and why you did what you did to me? Do you realize I feel overweight at times because I eat normally now, and am not starving myself to stay unnaturally skinny for you? Do you realize how much my heart beats in fear when I think of the last time we were together? Do you realize I’ll never be able to look past the monster that you were to me, because of the hurt and mind games you put me through? Do you realize I have nightmares about you? Do you realize that I feel like a walking scab that will take years and years to heal completely? Do you realize what you’ve done to me? Do you truly realize all that you’ve done to me?

I’m not in denial anymore about us; we could have never been, not with our crippling, destructive, drug-crazed relationship that I don’t think could ever be different with us. Our combined energy isn’t constructive or positive. Maybe if we had met before each of us had gone through painful rebirths, maybe if we were different than who we are. But we’re not, and we didn’t meet at such a time. This is fate telling us that we weren’t meant to be; we were a learning experience for one another, and the most I can hope for is that my pain and suffering taught you to not bring anyone into your Hell with you. That is a place for you, and for you only; leave to find a woman, and don’t ever dare to bring her into it, and sure as hell don’t keep the ones you find while you’re wandering that dreadful landscape. That pain is not her burden to carry, it’s yours.

I will give you credit for one thing, but I have a feeling most of it was from your own mentors. I have never been more sure about the way of the world than when I was with you and after; I am truly grateful for that. You gave me something I’d been desperately searching for, and I haven’t forgotten it. But as I said before, I know where you learned those beliefs; I can at least be grateful for you believing in my intelligence and my own spiritual need to introduce me to such ideas. However, I’m also indebted to your mentors, because they believed in me too, at least at one point. I miss them, and if they’re not speaking to me because of what happened between you and I, then it would make me very sad. I don’t know what you told them, and I have no way of telling them my side if they don’t want to speak to me. That’s not fair to me. If you ruined my relationship with them with something other than complete honesty, than I would have another reason to be incredibly angry towards you. And please realize that I’ve only grown stronger since I’ve left you.

As much as I should absolutely hate you because of how you treated me and what you put me through, I don’t, and I may be just be feeling very strong anger towards you. Hate is a strong word, after all, and shouldn’t be used lightly. I still want the best for you, I still want you to find the best person you can be and to get out of the hole you were/are in. But that’s your journey to go on; no one else can do it for you, and no one else can accompany you, as much as we all wish that were the case. That’s an internal endeavor. I wish you the best of luck; I want you to get there, and believe that can.

But you should stop hurting the people around you. All of that karma will come back to haunt you; don’t think I’m kidding. You will be completely alone one day if you keep this up, and I know that’s your worst fear. I’d be more careful with those around you; but not with me. I don’t think I can speak to you, and I’m not sure if I ever will. Oh well; that’s an emotional box I don’t want to open right now. This is one of the results of you treating someone the way you do. Think the karma’s not real?

So, to answer your question, I’m doing fine…except for the wondering, the pain, the wound that everyone sees. Except for the social awkwardness, the questions, the memories, and the occasional nightmares. Except for that, I’m doing relatively great.

How are you? Other than ashamed of what you did to me.

This is my response to you; if you find it, than serious props to you. I’ll ask how you did it.


P.S. I sound pretty mad in this, but if you do truly feel bad about what happened, then you’ll understand why I feel the way I do. I know how people act if they’re genuine; after an asshole father, multiple jerks for boyfriends, and you who was indecent enough to be a monster to me, I know what’s genuine and what’s not. Think twice before lying to me again.

Also, I never cheated on you. But I’ve learned that you did with at least two other women. I understand why you were always worried about that with me now.


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