My natural desire is to want to decide everything in a logical, orderly manner. However, because I am an emotionally-driven person, this is incredibly hard for me sometimes, mostly the times in which my emotions are the heart of a matter, or at least the muscle. Recently, I’ve had a few matters of emotion wandering through my mind, all of which I try to dissect and figure out logically, and I also try to figure out what to do with them, logically as well. This has been driving me insane, because in many circumstances, emotions defy logic, and when a matter is mostly emotional, it is near impossible to figure out what to do with it. At least, this is what I feel like (haha….punny!). Maybe it’s only because my emotions can be incredibly extreme, deep rooted, and complex. Maybe it’s only because the main situation I’ve been pondering about is incredibly complex itself, and the other person involved is in a complex, precarious position with and compared to my own position in our circumstance. Maybe I’m overthinking it, and should just do what I feel is right and what I feel like I want to do.

But then I immediately turn around and question that.

Emotions seem to be just as logical as a God, as a Creator, as that particular force that moves things in the world and connects everything to everything else. They are just there, there for us to experience and describe. They are there as motivators, as a screen between ourselves and the world, and as a guide to our soul and heart. They are there to lead us to where we are suppose to be, and to lead us to where we will be happiest or unhappiest, depending on what emotions you decide to feed.

And I know all of this…but it it doesn’t make certain decisions any easier.

Emotions act freely of morals and rules, unless, for you personally, emotions are borne from these things, like the Id, Ego and Superego are fighting (as always). But in the end, at least for me, my emotions usually get the best of me. Whether it’s after I’ve done the “moral” thing, or before, they always end up taking a hold of me and reminding me how much they rule me. And oftentimes, I kick myself for it.

Learning to do what’s best for me and “ride” those waves of emotion is difficult, but I know I’m slowly getting better at it. Letting myself just feel whatever I need to and then decide what to do has proven the best method for me personally. I know this is definitely not the best for everyone though…but maybe I’ll figure out what to do with the one circumstance that has riddled my brain as it has recently, eventually. Some of these emotions need outlets, after all.

 

 

~firespeak~

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Late night ramblings…

Do you know why obesity is in the rise?

Because we consume too much.

We consume everything around us, everything in sight: friends, stories, lives of friends, lives of celebrities, mindless repetitive music, monotony. Sugar. Addiction. A drug, a sickness that inhibits who we really are. Who we can be. The power that that gives us; the power that enables us to see it’s a game, and realize we are just a player.

And we believe it. Those that overeat, that just take what’s given to them without question, those are the ones that can’t see past the lie. They’re in denial about the world, and themselves.

Those that exercise religiously and count calories all the time, are also in denial about themselves and the world. They live the lie, too. They see those that consume too much aren’t happy, and strive to not be one of them, but this unknowingly traps them too. They still accept they are a part of a the game, an ideal that isn’t a reality. Denial.

I think that the sign of humanity and essence is imperfection.

Often times more than not, those that are “your favorite people” are those that have quirks, that are a little weird that walk their own step. Those are the ones worth talking to. They accept who they are, and just let that flourish instead of trying to control it and make it fit in some stupid mold. And these people usually understand that the world isn’t the game we’re told it is, and exist within and with the world with that attitude of acceptance and natural awe towards the beauty that is around us and is us. Just let it be, and just let yourself be. If you have a few extra mountains and valleys, that’s okay. You are just the way you should be; don’t think about it, just be it. And then you will be truly beautiful.

Just like Mother Nature and her daughter Earth is.

 

)FireSpeak(

“What do you like to do?”

“What do you like to do?”

 

Being asked this was painful. I think that’d be the best way to put it. I was dumbfounded, 1) because my normal rattling of “reading, listening to music, drawing, etc.” didn’t roll of my tongue (and it didn’t seem to want to), and 2) I really had no idea. 

 

That was it: I had no flippin’ clue. 

 

He was asking as a general question that one asks on an introductory meal, but I processed it completely differently than that. For one, he had been talking about things he loves to do and things he does, and things he has done, and I realized how incredibly bland my life was. I also realized I don’t do anything. At all. I go to class, I work on homework, I doodle and read at times and always listen to music, I work, I eat, I exercise, I sleep. That’s pretty much my life. Except for the constant brain activity and attempt at understanding the chaos around me, I’m not doing anything here. Essentially, I have no passion. I have nothing to follow, nothing to let lead me on to the greatest depths of the unknown. Nothing. Zilch. And I know that that passion is what he was asking about, whether he meant to inquire about it or not. It made me feel like a child, honestly, but not in a bad way. It just made me realize that I still have a long ways to go. 

I found myself incredibly embarrassed. I know first impressions last a lifetime (and it’s true, whether you want to believe it or not), and I feel like I completely flunked this one. But, more importantly, I was very disappointed in myself. I like to think I’m experienced and know where I’m going, and know who I am, but honestly, I know nothing. I’m not even legal to drink yet, and I’m still in college. This guy in front of me is doing and has already done more than me, and he’s not talking about what he knows and how the world is: he’s talking about how beautiful the world is, and how there’s so much to experience and see, and what he’s doing to get there and see those things.

This is probably the most humbling experience I’ve had in a while.  

We all need these, but I probably need them the most because I do tend to preach. Being reminded of how small I am is good for me, I think. It’s also a loud reminder that I need to do something productive with myself, and to actually live. People exist, but very few live.

(Isn’t that true?) 

 

I need to be one of those. I desperately want to be. 

 

I need to get up, and shake the dirt and dust from my achy, cold body. I need to crack the curtains and open the windows, and see what’s around me. I need to dig out my hiking boots and throw on my coat, grab my camera, and go embrace the world that’s around me, and stop for nothing, and never come back until I have seen everything. Then, and only then, can I rest again in my worn out, practical home. Then, I can preach and tell stories to those that join me at my hearth. And only then.

 

Stay humble.

~FireSpeak~

 

(^^there I go preaching again…) 

 

 

Expectations

I was brought up to never pity stupidity; I was taught to never tolerate injustice and moral wrongness. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I am here now. Fully and undoubtedly so. I have my own sets of rules to live by, and a way to judge and then incorporate new morals if it’s called for. I identify and hold myself to these rules, and I’m proud to do so.

Because of this, I hold people to be right and truthful human beings. I expect everyone to be so, but I know that’s not the case. As much as I hold onto that ideal, it’s often not the case.

One of these cases is a very prominent figure in my life, and I battle everyday to hold back the anger, disappointment, and hurt that comes from knowing they’re not the person you thought they were, nor are they the person they told you to be. It makes you wonder if what they told you was right, and why they think they’re actions and past actions are okay. It makes you wonder if they’re very unhappy and in serious denial about it, or if they have just soured over the years. Sometimes people do that; I have, but being too sweet of a pick can cause issues anyways. But souring completely (and especially from the inside out) only leads to rot; why let yourself do that? We are human beings with the ability to choose how we act, and living alongside good morals is a sure sign of maturity and wisdom, as well as inner sweetness. Isn’t that what everyone wants anyways? To be truly beautiful and wholesome? Haven’t human beings been striving for the ideal since the beginning of time? Why not actually be the ideal, to the best of our abilities, then? Effort, with willingness and time, is sure to bring this, is it not?

Then why let yourself rot?

~FS~

Battles

Raging serpent,

Teeth blaring,

Growling and screeching,

Begging for attention.

Refusing to lay back down,

Refusing to be still,

Screaming “You will not contain me!

I am part of you;

Do not deny me!”

Wrestling match,

Skin broken,

Purple blood pooling,

Struggling with unknown

Forces within my soul,

Forces bigger than me,

Screaming “Someone lead me!

Give me advice;

I am helpless!”

Bones clawing,

Wings flinging,

Fighting and forcing,

Gaining material control,

Crawling into flesh and blood,

Reveling in sanguine life,

Whispering: “You are mine,

Don’t ever forget,

That you cannot control me!”

~FS~

Do you listen?

Being inside is great when it’s freezing cold or incredibly hot outside; it’s why we humans created shelters, after all. Otherwise, I’d rather be in the open air. Indoors is honestly just too dull for me: you have the hum of the air vent, the rustling from other people, and the occasional door opening in the hallways. That’s it. Being outdoors is completely different; it’s alive. It’s life at it’s best: the trees talk and dance like ancient tribes; the birds chirp and sing like gossipers on a Sunday; the flowers, grass, and weeds reach longingly towards their sun god; the clouds drift by like great airships of distinguished individuals; the wind whistles and flows, caressing anything and everything it can, teasing the rooted and grounded world; the water runs, rushing among the empty and overflowing the full, reaching depths unimaginable; the ground rumbles and shifts slowly, adjusting like an old woman in her throne; and the animals scrounge, scurry, stalk, prowl, battle, compete, have sex, fly, swim, walk, hop, gallop, migrate, kill, consume and die to replenish the energy taken from Mother Earth.

This is where we came from; without this we are nothing. Every human recognizes the connection within them, but many have grown oblivious and numb to the voice that speaks within.

Do you listen, readers?