Re: [No Subject]

“…I’ve never been more ashamed of what I’ve done to anyone that what I’ve done to you.”

Are you really?

Do you realize exactly what you’ve done to me? What you’ve done to my friends, to my family, who have all had to sit here and watch me suffer and struggle, and try desperately to get back on my feet? Who’ve watched me try to learn how to be human again, how to talk, how to be social, how to think all over again? Do you know how ironic I find it that the only time I was allowed to beautify myself was when I had to hide bruises, when I was at my ugliest? Do you realize how much of me I’ve lost, how much of me is gone and gone forever, because I gave everything I had to you? Do you realize how much pain I still deal with? How much I think every, single, day about what went wrong, if I could have changed it, if I deserved what you did to me, and why you did what you did to me? Do you realize I feel overweight at times because I eat normally now, and am not starving myself to stay unnaturally skinny for you? Do you realize how much my heart beats in fear when I think of the last time we were together? Do you realize I’ll never be able to look past the monster that you were to me, because of the hurt and mind games you put me through? Do you realize I have nightmares about you? Do you realize that I feel like a walking scab that will take years and years to heal completely? Do you realize what you’ve done to me? Do you truly realize all that you’ve done to me?

I’m not in denial anymore about us; we could have never been, not with our crippling, destructive, drug-crazed relationship that I don’t think could ever be different with us. Our combined energy isn’t constructive or positive. Maybe if we had met before each of us had gone through painful rebirths, maybe if we were different than who we are. But we’re not, and we didn’t meet at such a time. This is fate telling us that we weren’t meant to be; we were a learning experience for one another, and the most I can hope for is that my pain and suffering taught you to not bring anyone into your Hell with you. That is a place for you, and for you only; leave to find a woman, and don’t ever dare to bring her into it, and sure as hell don’t keep the ones you find while you’re wandering that dreadful landscape. That pain is not her burden to carry, it’s yours.

I will give you credit for one thing, but I have a feeling most of it was from your own mentors. I have never been more sure about the way of the world than when I was with you and after; I am truly grateful for that. You gave me something I’d been desperately searching for, and I haven’t forgotten it. But as I said before, I know where you learned those beliefs; I can at least be grateful for you believing in my intelligence and my own spiritual need to introduce me to such ideas. However, I’m also indebted to your mentors, because they believed in me too, at least at one point. I miss them, and if they’re not speaking to me because of what happened between you and I, then it would make me very sad. I don’t know what you told them, and I have no way of telling them my side if they don’t want to speak to me. That’s not fair to me. If you ruined my relationship with them with something other than complete honesty, than I would have another reason to be incredibly angry towards you. And please realize that I’ve only grown stronger since I’ve left you.

As much as I should absolutely hate you because of how you treated me and what you put me through, I don’t, and I may be just be feeling very strong anger towards you. Hate is a strong word, after all, and shouldn’t be used lightly. I still want the best for you, I still want you to find the best person you can be and to get out of the hole you were/are in. But that’s your journey to go on; no one else can do it for you, and no one else can accompany you, as much as we all wish that were the case. That’s an internal endeavor. I wish you the best of luck; I want you to get there, and believe that can.

But you should stop hurting the people around you. All of that karma will come back to haunt you; don’t think I’m kidding. You will be completely alone one day if you keep this up, and I know that’s your worst fear. I’d be more careful with those around you; but not with me. I don’t think I can speak to you, and I’m not sure if I ever will. Oh well; that’s an emotional box I don’t want to open right now. This is one of the results of you treating someone the way you do. Think the karma’s not real?

So, to answer your question, I’m doing fine…except for the wondering, the pain, the wound that everyone sees. Except for the social awkwardness, the questions, the memories, and the occasional nightmares. Except for that, I’m doing relatively great.

How are you? Other than ashamed of what you did to me.

This is my response to you; if you find it, than serious props to you. I’ll ask how you did it.

-FS

P.S. I sound pretty mad in this, but if you do truly feel bad about what happened, then you’ll understand why I feel the way I do. I know how people act if they’re genuine; after an asshole father, multiple jerks for boyfriends, and you who was indecent enough to be a monster to me, I know what’s genuine and what’s not. Think twice before lying to me again.

Also, I never cheated on you. But I’ve learned that you did with at least two other women. I understand why you were always worried about that with me now.

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Expectations

I was brought up to never pity stupidity; I was taught to never tolerate injustice and moral wrongness. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I am here now. Fully and undoubtedly so. I have my own sets of rules to live by, and a way to judge and then incorporate new morals if it’s called for. I identify and hold myself to these rules, and I’m proud to do so.

Because of this, I hold people to be right and truthful human beings. I expect everyone to be so, but I know that’s not the case. As much as I hold onto that ideal, it’s often not the case.

One of these cases is a very prominent figure in my life, and I battle everyday to hold back the anger, disappointment, and hurt that comes from knowing they’re not the person you thought they were, nor are they the person they told you to be. It makes you wonder if what they told you was right, and why they think they’re actions and past actions are okay. It makes you wonder if they’re very unhappy and in serious denial about it, or if they have just soured over the years. Sometimes people do that; I have, but being too sweet of a pick can cause issues anyways. But souring completely (and especially from the inside out) only leads to rot; why let yourself do that? We are human beings with the ability to choose how we act, and living alongside good morals is a sure sign of maturity and wisdom, as well as inner sweetness. Isn’t that what everyone wants anyways? To be truly beautiful and wholesome? Haven’t human beings been striving for the ideal since the beginning of time? Why not actually be the ideal, to the best of our abilities, then? Effort, with willingness and time, is sure to bring this, is it not?

Then why let yourself rot?

~FS~

Numb.

I’ve felt so out of it recently.

The seasons are changing, life is moving forward, yet I feel like my inner clock hasn’t ticked at all. Something’s off, or broken.

I feel like I’ve been swimming for too long, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to push against the earth and feel the wind caress my skin. I worry that I’m loosing touch with something that’s necessary, something that I had but don’t anymore.

Am I crazy?

No; follow your gut. Have faith in the world. Keep searching. Don’t let the numbness overtake you.

~FS~

Battles

Raging serpent,

Teeth blaring,

Growling and screeching,

Begging for attention.

Refusing to lay back down,

Refusing to be still,

Screaming “You will not contain me!

I am part of you;

Do not deny me!”

Wrestling match,

Skin broken,

Purple blood pooling,

Struggling with unknown

Forces within my soul,

Forces bigger than me,

Screaming “Someone lead me!

Give me advice;

I am helpless!”

Bones clawing,

Wings flinging,

Fighting and forcing,

Gaining material control,

Crawling into flesh and blood,

Reveling in sanguine life,

Whispering: “You are mine,

Don’t ever forget,

That you cannot control me!”

~FS~

Do you listen?

Being inside is great when it’s freezing cold or incredibly hot outside; it’s why we humans created shelters, after all. Otherwise, I’d rather be in the open air. Indoors is honestly just too dull for me: you have the hum of the air vent, the rustling from other people, and the occasional door opening in the hallways. That’s it. Being outdoors is completely different; it’s alive. It’s life at it’s best: the trees talk and dance like ancient tribes; the birds chirp and sing like gossipers on a Sunday; the flowers, grass, and weeds reach longingly towards their sun god; the clouds drift by like great airships of distinguished individuals; the wind whistles and flows, caressing anything and everything it can, teasing the rooted and grounded world; the water runs, rushing among the empty and overflowing the full, reaching depths unimaginable; the ground rumbles and shifts slowly, adjusting like an old woman in her throne; and the animals scrounge, scurry, stalk, prowl, battle, compete, have sex, fly, swim, walk, hop, gallop, migrate, kill, consume and die to replenish the energy taken from Mother Earth.

This is where we came from; without this we are nothing. Every human recognizes the connection within them, but many have grown oblivious and numb to the voice that speaks within.

Do you listen, readers?

Together as one.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot on how the world is interconnected; I believe everything is. I’ve felt like this for a long time; I like to say I’ve always believed it, but I can’t be so sure about that. I’ve brushed upon this idea, this feeling, multiple times in my life at different circumstances and states of mind. It’s one of the reasons I see the world as beautiful and awe-inspiring, in ways I can’t put into words, drawings, or expressions. Something I’ve never grasped is how much influence once can actually have in the world, and recently I’ve seen that I am a force in the world, one that has the power to do good as I try and do so much, but one that has the power to inflict pain as well.

I’m not saying I haven’t ever inflicted pain onto the world; I’m not that naive nor prideful. But I haven’t ever really stopped to think about it. Since school has started back up and my small-scale social life has diminished to near nothing due to school work, I’ve had plenty of time to be alone with myself and the negative karma from said pain.

I regret what I’ve done to people, intentionally or not. I try my best to be morally right and a good person, and I like to think that I naturally am (only people that know me can say that for sure), but I have made mistakes before, and quite a few. Most of them where born of emotional tension, emotions that I  didn’t know how to handle and thus created a painful explosion of sharp words and blunt accusations. But some of them were caused by careless actions and a lack of consideration. From these events, I’ve learned to act slowly and steadily, being as cautious as deemed necessary. I have yet to learn what to do with myself in extreme emotional situations other than be alone, and that is not always possible.

I’ve also hurt people by living my life as I do: I can be spontaneous and shift suddenly with the winds, and it’s left some in the dust, bleeding from sand particles and thrown rocks. These I have decided not to think about too much, but these are often the ones I feel most awful about because there really is no explanation satisfactory,  for myself or them. And I even doubt myself when I say that….

Anyways, enough of my self pitying. What I’m getting at in this post is that people (including myself) should be aware of the amount of power they really do have. It may be subtle and slow like the earth, or it may be sudden and fast-moving like fire, but the power that we have is part of who we are, it’s our very essence. And this essence gives us the ability to deliver both positive and negative unto the world, and therefore the people around us. If we recognize what we have to give to the world for good, we must also recognize the other side; the world is not immune to us because we are part of it.

I have finally learned this.

Until next time,

~FS