Expectations

I was brought up to never pity stupidity; I was taught to never tolerate injustice and moral wrongness. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I am here now. Fully and undoubtedly so. I have my own sets of rules to live by, and a way to judge and then incorporate new morals if it’s called for. I identify and hold myself to these rules, and I’m proud to do so.

Because of this, I hold people to be right and truthful human beings. I expect everyone to be so, but I know that’s not the case. As much as I hold onto that ideal, it’s often not the case.

One of these cases is a very prominent figure in my life, and I battle everyday to hold back the anger, disappointment, and hurt that comes from knowing they’re not the person you thought they were, nor are they the person they told you to be. It makes you wonder if what they told you was right, and why they think they’re actions and past actions are okay. It makes you wonder if they’re very unhappy and in serious denial about it, or if they have just soured over the years. Sometimes people do that; I have, but being too sweet of a pick can cause issues anyways. But souring completely (and especially from the inside out) only leads to rot; why let yourself do that? We are human beings with the ability to choose how we act, and living alongside good morals is a sure sign of maturity and wisdom, as well as inner sweetness. Isn’t that what everyone wants anyways? To be truly beautiful and wholesome? Haven’t human beings been striving for the ideal since the beginning of time? Why not actually be the ideal, to the best of our abilities, then? Effort, with willingness and time, is sure to bring this, is it not?

Then why let yourself rot?

~FS~

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Do you listen?

Being inside is great when it’s freezing cold or incredibly hot outside; it’s why we humans created shelters, after all. Otherwise, I’d rather be in the open air. Indoors is honestly just too dull for me: you have the hum of the air vent, the rustling from other people, and the occasional door opening in the hallways. That’s it. Being outdoors is completely different; it’s alive. It’s life at it’s best: the trees talk and dance like ancient tribes; the birds chirp and sing like gossipers on a Sunday; the flowers, grass, and weeds reach longingly towards their sun god; the clouds drift by like great airships of distinguished individuals; the wind whistles and flows, caressing anything and everything it can, teasing the rooted and grounded world; the water runs, rushing among the empty and overflowing the full, reaching depths unimaginable; the ground rumbles and shifts slowly, adjusting like an old woman in her throne; and the animals scrounge, scurry, stalk, prowl, battle, compete, have sex, fly, swim, walk, hop, gallop, migrate, kill, consume and die to replenish the energy taken from Mother Earth.

This is where we came from; without this we are nothing. Every human recognizes the connection within them, but many have grown oblivious and numb to the voice that speaks within.

Do you listen, readers?

Ramblings that turned into something coherent…

Whenever I feel down, I have the biggest aversion to people. They irritate me. I literally feel their presence on my skin, crawling and irritating, painfully idle and non-aggressive. I also manifest serious self-loathing. It’s not fun. When I am in this particular mood, I tend to hide in my room like it’s a cave, sending out angry, abhorrent thoughts to the not-so-empty plates of the powers that be, hoping to god something will ease my rampaging revulsion and emotional agony, whether that be a nuclear bomb or a freak accident that happened to throw a car into my room. Alas, as wonderful as either of those would be, only time and burnt-out internal energy cures these emotional descents. Sometimes I am able to speed up the process or jump the drop itself; but whenever I do finally fall, it is just as or even more intense than if I hadn’t initially avoided it. However, what falls must come up; and those are always glorious times, my friend… As long as I can survive the fall.

You must be thinking Is there something wrong with you? Can’t you just stop “falling,” as you say? I don’t act like that at all, and I don’t understand why you have such a problem dealing with yourself. Maybe I do have a problem, but then again, everybody does. Maybe you aren’t open enough to your own emotions; ever think about that?

Enough of my anger; I apologize if that offended anyone, but I think it’s a valid point. I don’t think I have a problem; it’s simply the nature of my internal, emotional beast, and I have accepted that. Everyone handles their emotions differently, and everyone’s emotions act differently. It’s part of who we are as human beings. Some people’s emotions run very deep, and therefore cause tremendous chaos when they run over rocky slopes (like mine). Other people have emotions that flit around minute to minute but obtain very little depth, like a sparrow; others have emotions that are slow to shift, much like a bear or the proverbial mountain. It’s an interesting thing to pick up on in the people around you. Then, you can figure out how you are, if you haven’t already. Or you could simply compare yourself to others, if you are aware of your emotional being.

As you should know from a previous post, I find people beautiful (except when I’m caught up in an emotional change of tides…). I like how people differ, and the various combinations of chemistry that can occur in humans. We tend to either be emotional or logical, but usually we are some combination of the two. I am an emotionally-driven, logical person, which means that my actions are based on how I feel, but my actions are not impulsive or illogical. To me, it’s logical to hide in my room when I have such disgust towards myself and others because I want to limit my path of destruction during these stages, and it would be illogical to put myself in the general public because I’d be more likely to hurt someone or something. Do you see what I mean by me being an emotionally-driven, logical person?

People don’t usually put these two together, which I think is wrong and ignorant. It is obviously possible to be logical and emotional at the same time; it’s when you are completely emotionally-driven that the illogical actions are borne. It is also when you are completely logical that the emotions are ruined. I have a friend who believes otherwise, and believes that emotions are useless, but then again he also talks to me about a lot of emotional issues that he doesn’t usually take any note of. I think that he just doesn’t want to take the time to consider what he feels; I have met quite a few people that I believe deal with this, but I could be completely wrong. I could also be completely wrong about my friend, and maybe emotions are useless…but my emotional fiend screams and refuses to let me accept that right now.

Until a later date,

-FS

~~~